Health update - II
Surfacing for air
Dear Friend of Sanity,
My last note to you was two months ago. I'd then mentioned that I am wrestling with the worst relapse of my mental health condition in years. Today I am writing with the news that I remain under tight clinical supervision and heavy medication. (I am also perennially hungry, a side effect of olanzapine according to my doctor, which means I have gained back all the stomach fat I had lost with a disciplined fitness and food regime in the months preceding this episode.)
I cannot bear to sit before the laptop without an avalanche of exhaustion just yet (I'm writing this in the 15-minute window when I'm able to face the screen without melting). A non-trivial part of my day I live in terror and want to curl up and disappear from the face of Earth. But on the plus side, I did manage to travel a little bit, and my sleep has improved (probably a tad too much).
Also, after my last psychiatrist ghosted me, I am relieved to report that I have found a kind and reliable new doctor. She has been trying to give me hope at a time when I've had nada.
Tanmoy Goswami
She has also won me over by clearly disclaiming her prescription's side effects. I love it when doctors overcommunicate. Don't you?
Tanmoy Goswami
I read somewhere that when your existence fuses with psychiatric pills, it's like a part of you is manufactured in a factory far away. Who are you even when your brain is under the influence of a cocktail of mood- and personality-correcting/(-altering?) chemicals? It's an irresistible question. But I am trying hard not to philosophise too much. Look, I will happily give my business to any factory that helps me stay alive, even if the resultant new me fits a bit uncomfortably to begin with.
Tanmoy Goswami
A lot of things have passed me by these two months. That includes the grand carnival that the World Mental Health Day has turned into. For the second year running I participated in zero panel discussions or webinars on the day. For exactly one second I fretted about becoming irrelevant. The next second I forgot all about it and commenced a tired mid-morning nap.
Tanmoy Goswami
The only semi-intellectual pursuit I have allowed myself in this period consists of appreciating the infinite privilege of being able to access a diagnosis and high-quality care. For the Nth time in my life, I'm being saved from my own mind by a professional apparatus that the vast majority of people who need and deserve care cannot get.
Tanmoy Goswami
Where is this newsletter going? The honest truth is, this illness has forced me to think about the emotional viability of continuing to write about mental health as my primary job. This work tends to get heavy, and 5 years is a long time. But this is obviously a huge, and hugely emotional, issue that I will postpone for another day when I can think with greater clarity.
At the moment I know this much: I am not yet prepared to come back to writing with the same week-after-week-after-week intensity with which I've functioned in the past 5 years. I won't make any promises to you, and to myself, that I can't keep. But hey. My last update was a mini one and this one's over 900 words... so I guess that's progress? My immediate goal is to see how I feel after I send this out, how much it drains me, how I cope with the light after months in darkness, and then try to figure out some kind of cadence.
Tanmoy Goswami
I have one other thing to say to those of you who financially support Sanity and are wondering why given my current lack of output. It's an absolutely fair question, and there would be no hard feelings if you were to discontinue your support and come back when I have established a more regular schedule. I have never taken you for granted, and I understand we all have to make choices. I just had to get this off my chest so you can make your choice.
To the many of you who have sent me concerned messages: Thank you for being there. You have helped me say 'not today' to the beast that squats on my chest.
With gratitude,
Tanmoy
