Content warning and disclaimer: Contains potentially distressing material, including reference to suicidality. Sanity by Tanmoy is not a therapy platform. Please do not self-diagnose if you experience a mental health concern. Consult a professional.
Never publish a piece on Monday, newsletter experts will warn you, because Mondays have the worst email open rates. Also, never publish a piece that doesn't make at least one important point. No one likes rambling, pointless pieces.
I'm going to test both those rules today. Reach and purposefulness – the twin pillars of effective communication. I don't have a choice because I don't trust myself with remembering tomorrow what I want to say today, right now.
I texted my therapist just before I sat down to write this, fighting off the guilt of contacting her out of schedule, knowing how busy she must be with clients who probably deserve her attention much more. Also, it's important for me to maintain the pretence of being in control of my life between our twice weekly sessions.
I feel helpless, hopeless, and lonely, I finally managed to say, after typing and deleting a bunch of more dramatic sentences. Don't worry, I'm okay, I quickly added. What I really meant to say was, I won't do anything stupid.
She replied soon. Hi, is there anything else you want to share?
Well, I'm trying to find words, I said.
We will find words, she said. We mostly do.
So, here I am. Trying to find words, because I don't know what else to do.